04:34 Mar 17 2010
Times Read: 909
I’ve been going back and forth with myself with writing this down. But after talking to one of my nearest and dearest about things, she pushed me into doing so. So maybe it is time I purge myself of all of the things I have built up over the past years with trying to hide and always be the once was and come to terms with the what is. With doing that I may get back on track with the who I am and realize that it’s never changed, but my struggles have made me older, wiser and broaden my spectrum to see the world.
I am going to make a disclaimer right off the bat before people accuse me of being narcissistic, self center, so on and so forth. I am not any of those things, so if that’s what you get out of this then you are reading it for the wrong reasons and missed the whole point entirely. I also am not writing this to be coddled, coo-ed or be petted into feeling better. I am pretty much doing this for me and to unburden my soul. The burden is becoming too heavy to carry and the lock must break sometime so now is as good as times as any.
The Once Was-
I became the fun and fancy free girl when I was 21. At that time I had joined an AOL chat room that was geared towards the BBW’s of my state. I was a hit at parties since I was a social butterfly with personality and had no issues with expressing my sexuality and being a huge flirt. I always had a laugh, a giggle, a joke and good times to share with people. I was ‘the girl guys wanted to date and the chick the girls wanted to be like’. And I do not say that with any sort of self centeredness, but more of a that’s the way it was within this group I entered into. I held my head up high and was secure with who I was and the way I looked. I was never a tiny girl, but I had curves in all the right places.
And then things took a turn.
I started to battle more and more with my depression. I started to gain weight and was having extremely bad back pain. It seems that from that point on I’ve became so within drawn into myself I can’t find my way out.
The What Is-
(Warning.. there probably are some things here that might disturb you or you do not want to read. So stop here if that is the case.)
In 2006 I had to go in for emergency back surgery. It was what they called Cauda Equina Syndrome. Which if left untreated can lead to permanent loss of bowel and bladder control and paralysis of the legs. At one point I had all three of those issues. I was basically paralyzed from the waist down for a bit. I could not lift my legs or do even the simplest of tasks. I had to learn how to tinkle different. (Yes, I have to self cath, but I can now write my name in the snow which is a total bonus.) I now have to wear braces for my feet because I have foot drop. Foot drop is a weakness of muscles that are involved in flexing the ankle and toes. As a result, the toes droop downward and impede the normal walking motion in case someone didn’t know.
I walk with either a cane or a wheeled walker for stability. Some days I am just not coordinated enough.
It’s been a constant struggle. I can say I am somewhat proud of where I am at in my recovery since at one time I was told they doubted I would be able to walk again. But I did so that part I did over come.
I normally do not broadcast my ills and ailments because I do not want people to judge me on my struggles and hardships, but admire me for my personality and what I have to offer. But keeping it buried within for so long has begun to consume me. It has made me question things about myself in ways I never have before.
Even though I have never been comfortable with being vulnerable fully with someone, I have a bigger fear of it now than I did before. I think it’s also part of the reason as to why I have not dated and keep myself at arm’s length from a lot of people that I hold dear to me. My self esteem has gone into a place it has never been before, which is pretty much nonexistent. I know I do not act like it a lot of the time, but let me tell you the Mask gets hard to keep on after awhile. It’s been slipping for awhile, but now is the time to let it fall completely off.
I do not want to be along forever, but I find myself thinking that I will be because of my faults and flaws that I have. I do not want to think that way but after doing so for so long, it’s hard to change that thought process. Yes, I have been into therapy and, no, it did not help. This is something I need to figure out on my own and do on my own. This is my path in life and I need to come to terms with it. I need to enjoy my path and not turn it into a bumpy mess.
I need to start putting myself out there more.
I need to achieve to the place where I used to be and not hold myself back.
I will do it.
I must do it.
I cannot hold myself back any longer.
I am my own worst enemy and critic, but I will change that in time.
I know I will.
Yes, yes I will.
COMMENTS
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Prophecy
00:46 Mar 31 2010
MooniePie
00:48 Mar 31 2010
LMAO hahahahahahahahah I [heart] you.
Vampirewitch39
00:54 Mar 31 2010
Wish you the best. :) Get some bunny action going on.... *puts on Barry White songs*
Haiku
01:03 Mar 31 2010
Pfft. I'm on like five *hides shame*
LadyDarkRayne
05:24 Mar 31 2010
Moonies a cougar? who ever would have thought lol hehe, have fun !
RedQueen
18:06 Mar 31 2010
I've been called a cougar- and I earned it too...lol
Moonie's just moving up in the zoo, is all...lol